Thursday, September 15, 2016

Things you should know- 9 months home

-I pray every day for God to give me His love for Mila.

-I am faking it and I hate faking.

-I miss how things used to be. But I am so ashamed to say that.

-I see glimmers of hope.  But I am terrified to hope.  Hope leads to being let down and if this is my reality I need to accept it.

-Sometimes the kids all play together and it takes my breath away.

-The physical transformation of our girl is absolutely amazing- yet I rarely let myself marvel at it.  Though this is the thing friends and outsiders see and comment on the most.

-I never doubt that God purposefully placed Mila in our family.

-I do doubt my purpose in all this- as I am completely failing on so many levels.

-I wonder if my existence in Mila's life is adding more trauma to her than healing.

-I see my kids and am so proud to call them mine.

-I love the relationship Mila has with her brothers.

-Every once in awhile I get a taste of that dreamy mother-daughter relationship that is clearly fabricated in my mind but was a driving force in bringing Mila home.  I savor those moments.

-Trauma is everywhere.

-Somedays trauma looks like hateful rages. Ripped off clothes and shoes thrown forcefully in my direction.

-Trauma looks like hours of walking on eggshells around a tiny ticking time bomb that is insistent on fighting.

-Trauma is taking its toll- when I am offered help I don't even know what to ask for.  If I have a free moment, I don't have any idea what to do in order to recharge and refill myself.

-Some days humor is the best medicine.

-Some days my head pounds from the constant teeth clenching I do to prevent myself from doing the wrong thing.

-I know it is getting better.  I want to do everything I can to help her, to give her the tools to communicate and connect.

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