-I don't get as many headaches because I am not constantly clenching my jaw for hours on end.
-I love adoption even more than when we first started. Its complicated and messy and not for everyone but its absolutely beautiful.
-I don't love my kids all the same. Its completely different. But I do love them. All of them.
-I ask for help more. And I still feel guilty about not being able to 'do it all' but I am also reconciling that God made us for community to help one another.
-Trauma is still a very big presence in our house. We see it every day.
-Some days trauma looks like filling a backpack with all the toys and refusing to share. But also refusing to play with any of the hoarded toys.
-Some days trauma looks like going bat-poop crazy when she gets hurt. And instead of being comforted, she fights for her life against whoever is trying to help.
-And sometimes trauma visits us at night- in fitful rest and inconsolable sobs in her sleep that no amount of rocking or back patting can wish away.
-I still marvel at how far she has come. When she eats a whole meal and asks for seconds. When she initiates play with her brothers or friends. When she skips off to school with her classmates. When she uses words- a complete sentence!- to ask for something.
-I can now look back a few months ago and see the way God was taking me apart. The pain of that is still sharp but it is no longer confusing. I see why I was broken. And why the cracks were allowed to show- and not be repaired exactly as I once was.
-Certain memories from those past months still cause a -brief- physical reaction of terror from me. We were not ok and it left its mark.
-But scars are important. Mila constantly shows me past scars- small scratches and bumps from normal childhood play- and declares them 'bad owie.' And though I acknowledge them and still kiss her 'bad owies,' I also know that they no longer pain her. Her owies do not hurt anymore but they take time to fade. And fading scars can serve as a reminder of how far we've come together.
-I live with the conflict of desperately wanting to see Mila become 'typical' and fiercely defending, protecting, and celebrating her uniqueness.
-I would do it all over again in heart beat. And I pray that we will someday soon.
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