Day 15

Day 15. Waiting

Waiting on my own heart to change. There are probably plenty of posts today on waiting for a referral or waiting for immigration or waiting for another country’s process to move along. I think some of that waiting helped prepare my heart for the wait to come once she was home. And I’m not sure I’m waiting on my heart or waiting on God to change/heal/transform my heart. We got home and sank into turmoil for almost a year. Then things started to look a little brighter and we moved into a dangerous place of hoping. Hope can be healing and hope in the right things is life-giving. But what do you do when you are unsure of the place you set your hope? Where is the line drawn between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst? When does reality finally crash down? I’ve carefully mentally gone through this- examining my expectations of my life, my daughter, of her future. I’ve looked at those expectations and held them up the truth of God’s word. I know in Whom I place my hope and I know the promises that He makes. And I know I can trust those. And yet… I find myself in a place of waiting for my heart to catch up to what I know in my head and for my actions and my outlook to reflect the reality that I’m in. And sadly a lot of that reality is unknown. Will she ever overcome some of this trauma? Will she catch up academically? Will our relationship ever be ‘normal?’ I’m waiting for answers and hoping for outcomes. Praying for healing and working so, so hard for safety and health for everyone in my home. And at the same time, I know that God is in control and that none of this is a surprise to Him. So I wait for my heart to catch up. And in some ways it is caught up. Despite the unease and the unknown of this life, the very thing that makes my head spin and attempt to rationalize away, my heart yearns to bring another one home. Somewhere, this hope is taking root.

“And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.” Philippians 1:6