Day 30

Day 30. Wish I knew

In the early hours of the morning, my daughter woke up in her cozy, warm bed, in the room she shares with her brothers who love her deeply (even if they pester each other most of the day). She awoke with a yelp, and immediately began to kick the walls and the edges of her bed. She yelled out in anger as she continued to pummel the walls. As her daddy and I hurried to get her settled down before the whole house was up at an ungodly hour, I remembered that today is exactly two years from when she was woken early in the morning, driven hours in a car, and carried into a government office in the big city. She was sniffling with a cold and from the cold and abruptly placed into my arms- all 20 lbs of her three year old self. She wrenched her eyes shut and pushed her body as far away from be as she could- angry and terrified. The next few weeks, she scowled, cried, screamed, and glared at me- the one who took her away from everything she had ever known.Hearts have changed in these two years, she is not the same angry child that we met two years ago. As I am flooded with facebook memories and reminders of those early days, I wish I knew a lot of things that I know now. And I’m thankful I didn’t know some of the things I know now too. I wish I knew that her hatred of me was truly temporary. I’m thankful for the middle of the night, tear-soaked pillow case prayers where I came to understand the gravity of saying yes to adoption. That even if *she* never accepted me as mom, that’s what God had chosen for me and I would continue to offer my heart to her irregardless. I needed that chance to face the worse case scenario and choose one way or another, but it would have been nice to know that somehow things would turn out ok. I wish I had the confidence in those dark, early days that the life we had given our daughter was truly better despite the seemingly insurmountable grief she experienced. I wish I knew that the rages, anger, and grief were not directed at me. I wish I knew to invest in noise cancelling headphones much sooner. I wish I knew just how awesome our kids at home would handle everything. How they have turned into truly amazing little souls who care about others and emphasize with kids who are different than themselves. I wish I listened to experienced adoptive moms who warned me that adding a child through adoption would refine me-but that it would be painful. I wish I knew that God would break me, piece me back together, but that He wouldn’t necessarily smooth out all the rough edges or fill all the cracks. I wish I discovered and accepted much sooner how beautiful cracks and rough edges can be. And I wish I could have seen just a glimpse during those truly hard moments of beautiful our family would turn out to be. Family photos may never catch all of us smiling at the same time but they show the love we have for each other and the awe we still possess that God used our one small yes to create something so amazing.