Day 27

Day 27-Myth

"Love is all you need"

If only that were true... While we could slice and dice words to define love here to make that statement true, let me just speak from my experience that what I thought was love, was not enough. Not enough to heal, not enough to connect, not enough to make everything OK. There were big, blaringly obvious things like feeding therapy and doctor appointments, speech pathologists, and an IEP team... And many of them do their job in love and I suppose as Mila's parent advocating for her, you could say that was love. But planning extra cuddles and never forgetting good night kisses couldn't replace my daughter needing an OT to help her overcome feeding challenges. Or weekly speech therapy appointments.

Even without the obvious things, I quickly came to the realization that my love alone would not connect her to our family or heal her hurts. And even if it could, there were many times where my love simply ran out. One can only take being hit with a shoe while driving so many times before a little resentment creeps in.

The mantra that gets repeated is 'fake it til you make it.' I love/hate this. I love it because it recognizes that having loving feelings toward your new child is not always instant and unconditional. If you're an adoptive parent reading this and struggling with So. Much. Guilt - you are not alone. It will get better. But the 'it' might be different than you think. Through my 'faking it til I make it' journey I've realized that I suddenly didn't wake up with lovey dovey feelings for my new daughter but that my perspective on love had changed significantly. I do love her. Deeply and fiercely. And I struggle with her behaviors and personality a lot. My struggle has highlighted my need for God's grace and forgiveness in my own life-which makes it more natural to extend that to my daughter... And love her in that way. So my adoption myth is that My love is not all she needs... My love falls short every time and pales in comparison to the grandiose love of our good Father who heals and redeems. That's what she needs and really, that's what we all need.