I was sure this post was going to be about special needs, IEPs, and how to survive unreasonable expectations of your kid. And then I attended ‘Indian Day’ with my daughter’s TK class and watched her hold her friend’s hand as they moved between centers, learning about buffalos and grinding corn. She stayed with her class, participated in all the activities, sampled the cranberry sauce- all without an aid and with minimal redirection. I was very proud. And then we got home and the morning caught up to us. She worked so hard following directions, staying in control of her body and brain, and being a good student that as soon as she came HOME, she fell apart. I won’t go into the specifics of what that looks like for her privacy, but this is one of her- and I dare say many kids with trauma- greatest needs. The ability to cope with stressful situations (even good situations that are different or exciting can still be stressful) and self regulate when her brain or body seems to be going out of control.
I am no expert on this. But I am becoming an expert on what helps my daughter. If you’ve been following along, you might recall that we are going through a tricky ‘traumaversary’ right now and dealing with defiant behaviors and ramped up emotions surrounding the anniversary of my daughter’s adoption. Today, as she fell apart after a very fun and over stimulating morning I knew I had to put away my frustration and exasperation to help her through this. But my presence lately is triggering even more escalation in her. So we had a talk- “I want to help you. When you can, please tell me what you need right now.” This conversation looked completely one-sided and maybe she couldn’t hear me, but I said it for me, as a reminder that it was MY job right now to help her ‘co regulate’ and meet her needs. And I knew what she needed- I just wasn’t sure she was in a place to accept it from me. After a few minutes and a little space, she sat in our hallway-not yelling. That was my cue. I brought her a water bottle, a small peanut butter sandwich, and some sensory toys. And I backed away slowly. And a few minutes later, she carried her treasures over to me and began to play quietly.
Her needs may look differently than other kids. Today it looked like hydration, protein, and a heavy bag of colored rocks to sort out. Her need was physical- hunger and thirst- but also emotional. The weight of the rocks provided heavy sensory input, sorting them allowed her rational brain to engage and start working again.
Our kids are like puzzles. Especially our kids without a great start to life. It’s our job as the parent to piece these puzzles together as best we can. Need meeting builds trust. Trust builds attachment. Attachment is fundamental to health- physical, mental, and spiritual. Meet the need, find a way.#knittogetherbyadoption #wecouldhavemissedthis#NationalAdoptionMonth
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