Grateful Hearts...

Our travel approval has been issued- we are so close to booking airline tickets and traveling to bring our sweet girl home!  As I take a moment to reflect on this past year, there are certain words that have a special meaning to our family now.  Words like faith, trust, miracle, surrender, hope, peace- and one word that is so easy to overlook-gratitude.

This is the season of thanksgiving and I thought it appropriate to list some reasons for gratitude from our adoption journey.  I am filled with gratitude...

...for the immediate outpouring of support when we announced our plans to adopt.
...for the Foundation Sunday school class who rallied to pray and lift our family up throughout the various adoption milestones
...for family members far and wide who expressed their support and excitement for our growing family
...for new friends- online and in real life- who have walked the adoption journey before us and 'get it'
...for sweet friends who call to pray for us or plan a 'non traditional' baby shower to love on our family
...for two little boys who's hearts have grown for a sister they have not yet met
...for my crockpot! And the ability to save lots of money by meal planning and cooking at home
...for photography clients and necklace buyers who shop with a purpose and support meaningful things
...for an agency that has guided us through the various steps of this process
...for China and their willingness to allow children a second chance at family through adoption
...for random text messages, garage sale donations, gifted starbucks cards, and unexpected checks in the mail- all evidences of God's heart for the plight of the orphan and His work through His people
...and for the amazing ways God has been working in our family- there are so many lessons and testimonies that it deserves more than a mere mention in a list!

I have created these 'Grateful Hearts' necklaces and bracelets as a final adoption fundraiser.  They are limited quantity and the funds will go towards our in country expenses.  They are available for ANY donation (please add $5 for shipping) and are available on a first come basis.  I hope they will serve as a reminder for all the things we have to be thankful for and also as a little thank you from our family.  If you would like to order, please message or contact me.  We will accept payment via paypal (austin@h2hint.org) and I will ship as quickly as possible- guaranteed shipping before we leave for China and plenty of time before Thanksgiving!

With hearts overflowing with gratitude,

The Nielsen Family

Unshakable

Do you know that Building 429 song- "We won't be shaken" ? I used to think it was kind of a shallow song- until we said 'yes' to something really crazy and completely beyond ourselves. And with that 'yes' came lots of 'what ifs' and 'I couldn't possiblys' and let's just say there was a lot of opportunities to be shaken. But here's the thing- I was not. Shaken. Not once. Our one, wimpy- human-powered 'yes' unleashed a whole lot of mighty and amazing God acts that have left us unshakable. Even now as I count down the hours of the days that we wait for another yes- a 'yes you can come get her'- I am not moved or swayed in our decision. How could I be? We have see God answer prayers, provide funding, open doors, change hearts, start new projects, shift perspectives... I want nothing more than to jump on a plane and bust her out of the orphanage once and for all. Each passing second is a second she is without a family and there is TONS of room for anxiety and just general... Shakiness. But instead I will wait quietly before God, my rock and my salvation- my unshakable fortress.

October Updates

The waiting continues... but with a few more milestones checked off our list.  Our paperwork 'challenges' were resolved by our agency (aided by the prayers of many, many faithful friends) and our Article 5 packet was dropped off at the consulate.  Agency reps picked it up Tuesday, October 22 and delivered it to the Chinese bureaucracy in charge of adoptions.  So now we wait for China to issue our approval to travel!  Someone in the adoption world created this flow chart to help friends and family understand the various steps in the process.  Its not perfect, and honestly it kind of makes my head hurt (since my brain apparently does not understand flow charts), but many have found it helpful. We are waiting on step 15! (oh and the mom looks too together to be accurate- her hair should be messed up or something...)

Some other fun news- my friends threw an amazing adoption shower to celebrate our little girl!  It was a very sweet evening of fun craft projects and a time of prayer for every aspect of our adoption.  I was so touched by the support shown to our family- really, throughout the whole process- but that night it was a tangible thing and it was wonderful to say thank you face to face to so many.  I now have a dedicated bin of hair bows in my house.  And the boys have stayed far away from it so far!  

(only picture of the night... we failed...)

With our travel approval looming, the sense of urgency to get ready has amped up.  We've made two recent trips to IKEA to resolve storage issues in our house (bunk bed! closet space!) and buy additional bedding.  Austin has been child proofing the kitchen (something we didn't do with the boys but THREE kids I think warrants some extra precautions).  

I also took a ridiculously long list to Walmart and basically bought an entire pharmacy's worth of OTC meds to take with us.  And I kind of feel like I'm rolling the dice a bit and not getting another ridiculously long list of prescription meds filled by our doctor...  

So nesting we will be!  The other major thing I'm doing- something I swore would NEVER happen in my life- Christmas shopping in October!  (my mother in law and Aunt GiGi are probably rolling their eyes about now)  Yes its true- I have a good chunk of Christmas shopping done and stashed away (hoping I remember where when it comes time to wrap everything...) in anticipation of being a little overwhelmed come November and December.  Hopefully not, but just in case.  

Our Chinese Visa arrived- so once we get travel approval, we are ready to go! (and check out the beginning of my to-do list)

So still, much to do.  Namely, a name.  We are still trying to find the perfect name for our loved little one.  Pray for that- ok?  

And finally, I haven't been stressed about money AT ALL during this adoption.  We were totally overwhelmed with the costs of adoption at the very beginning, but we decided its worth it- and a thousand times over, she is worth it- and we haven't missed a payment or had to delay a single step of the process for financial reasons.  There have been some challenges and lots of crock pot meals and slightly out of style outfits for the boys and me (Austin claims his style is timeless) but again, WORTH IT!  And a big part of that has been your support, your prayers, and your donations to our family.  We do still have some expenses coming up- mainly travel related things and final adoption proceedings that we need to pay for in China.  If you'd like to contribute to that, check out our youcaring page below (and please feel free to share our page and our story with your friends!).  

Another way you can help is by donating items for us to bring to our daughter's orphanage.  I have a list of needed items that we would like to carry over.  I know from experience how tight money can be in a state-operated orphanage.  These are simple, mainly inexpensive items that would go a long way in helping the Ayis (nannies) provide care for the babies and children.  If you'd like to purchase any of these items, please contact me and I'll arrange picking them up.  Thank you!

toothbrushes

socks

underwear

diaper rash cream

bandaids

antibiotic cream

Thanks again- next update will be all about travel!

How we wait

Adoption and waiting. They go together. We wait at different times of our lives- we wait for college acceptance letters, for a marriage proposal, for the birth of a baby, for a job offer. I've gone through different seasons of waiting in my life but none of those other times have included this deep, heart ache that is tied to the wait. It's is so profound that I have a physical reaction if I allow myself to go there. As a person specialized in compartmentalizing my emotions for the sake of rational problem solving, this physical reaction has snuck up on me a couple times.

Yesterday was a day of highs so high and lows so low it's a wonder I was able to sleep at all last night.  Or perhaps not- the exhaustion of it all could have been a factor too. In a process of ever- complicated steps, we are coming to the end of this adoption.  I can't hardly believe it. Yesterday, the last day of September, I awoke to an email containing two vital pieces of information needed to complete one of these complicated steps. As China is approaching a week of holidays, I had expected to see no progress until after everyone returned to work.  As I took a quick shower, attempting to ready myself for the day before the boys completely destroyed the house, I calculated the timing of the next steps for our adoption and realized that with this new email, there was a slim chance of moving forward before the Chinese holiday. Grabbing a towel and shooing boys away, I sent a quick message to confirm this realization. An almost instant response- "send everything right away." I threw on clothes, turned on a cartoon, tossed bowls of Cheerios and cups of milk on the table, and delved into a world of visa applications and questions of national security ("have you even knowingly or unknowingly aided the communist party?" And " are you knowingly entering the United States to commit acts of treason?"). Visa application completed, various immigration approvals collected, and one email with a bunch of very important attachments written and flying through cyberspace to very important people on the other side of the world who have the power to move our first date with our daughter closer on the calendar.  It was a rush- that slim glimmer of hope, the act of 'doing something' and making something happen, the feeling of accomplishment that I had done everything in my power... And then the other shoe dropped.

I received a message that there was an issue with our daughter's file. Discrepancies in wording and translation hurdles.  And nothing could be done until these discrepancies were resolved. I exchanged text messages, Facebook messages, and one depressing phone call that basically confirmed that everything had come to a screeching halt. We would have to wait for the Chinese holiday to pass, but even after everyone had returned to work, the timeline was still unknown.  They had a plan but could not predict it's likelihood at success.

And so we wait. With aching heart, I wait. And I know my pain is only a fraction of the pain my little one experiences each day that passes without belonging and knowing love. Austin is steadfast in his wait- "it'll take as long as it takes." Today is October 1st- a day I was looking forward to telling the boys, "next month we finally meet your sister." But I can't. That realization finally manifested itself in that physical reaction I was talking about- as various people reached out to me yesterday I heard my voice shake and watched my hands tremble. I hung up the phone and grabbed a blanket to fight off the intense shivering. It was 90 degrees. I do not wait well.

But maybe I am learning something in this wait. In the past, my response would be one of anger. Anger at the situation, at people who should have caught this 'discrepancy' earlier, at a country that throws away children, and at a system that makes them wait.  And at myself for not doing enough and being enough.  I am not angry today. Aching, disappointed, sad... But not angry. I immediately felt the urgency to pray- and to ask others to do so.  A quick Facebook post rallied our troops.  Corbin and Leo prayed for their baby sister to come home soon (and for mom to bring them yummy Chinese treats) right in the car.  And dear friends who have walked this path before us, gave me perspective- "we are excited to see how God will work."  I wasn't excited  initially but that truth has sunk in overnight. This is a mighty obstacle, requiring painful waiting, but we have a mightier God who delights in showing up and showing off His heart for the lost.

I can't promise that I will always have the happy excitement when we are faced with the hard. But I will learn to wait- with my heart ache- for the One who will wipe away every tear to act. And I will look forward in eager anticipation of His mighty work.

tomorrow...

Tomorrow she turns three. Or at least that's what a thin file folder of medical exams and growth measurements records. 34 months ago, a state-paid doctor guessed at the age of a tiny bundle of a baby brought into the orphanage. For the past nearly 3 years, September 20th has stood as a grim reminder to doctors, nannies, and orphanage directors that time was passing this little one by. A birthday is not a happy thing if it is not celebrated with hope. Tonight I am making a birthday cake for my child whom I have never met. Furthermore, this cake will not be enjoyed by my little girl as distance and paperwork and more obstacles keep us apart. I can barely think the thought that she has spent three years without a family to celebrate her very existence. A sob clutches in my throat and tears threaten to spill but then... Hope. This is her last birthday without a family. Tomorrow we celebrate her- and someday we will tell her of how we loved her before we had ever met. Your family waits for you, little one. We're having 'whooping pie cake' because, as I told her big brother, this is cake for happiness and little one's name means happy. Happy birthday sweet daughter- tomorrow will mark the year that you became ours forever. 

Silent

Let me tell you about orphanages. They are a juxtaposition of childhood and nightmares. Sterile hallways, chipping paint. Rooms bursting to the seams with little faces,little feet and silence. Rooms with toys or technology perfectly arranged and on display for all visitors to see and rooms behind locked doors where no visitor will ever lay eyes for the unmentionable things that happen there. At the very best, there are caregivers that actually do care but are so outnumbered by the immediate needs that face them that there are simply not enough hours in the day, arms to hold crying babies, or room in their hearts for more brokenness. Malnourishment, neglect, hopelessness. And that's at the very best. If you are brave, allow your mind to wander to the very worst. Untreated diseases, unchanged diapers and sheets, unsupervised, tiny souls who have been hardened to no longer resemble children. And still silence. I have met young adults who will never be able to lift a heavy object over their heads. As orphaned children, they were restrained in their beds and their muscles died. Imagine what happens to another, more precious muscle- their brains- when left alone, restrained in a tiny bed for years on end. Imagine what happens to their most important muscle- their hearts?  Silence, always silence. 

This past week a family traveled to bring home their precious daughter. Months of saving, fundraising, preparing a sweet room and sharing her photo with family  and friends. Little girl was sick- complex special needs they call it- but her true problem was one too many days in an orphanage. The child was not doing well - "her needs were more than we thought we were getting into" - and so the family returned home without their darling daughter. And little girl- abandoned a second time and returned to the very place that was slowly killing her.  Disruption. And silence. 

There is outrage and disbelief in the adoption community this morning. The diplomatic ones urge others to "not judge, you were not in their shoes". The problem solvers demand new photos, new medical exams, new agency, new family, go go go! The sensitive ones offer prayers and tears.  And the angry ones...well, you can imagine. 

So often the argument is "what if your biological child had these issues? Would you leave them at at the hospital?" Sadly the answer is yes some families would choose to end a pregnancy that promised a broken child (which is acceptable in our society now) while others would actually abandon such a little one after birth (which is not acceptable in our society- but does happen at an alarming rate). 

This isn't really about that argument. Families are faced with hard things every day and find a way to deal. In my life, that dealing is a whole lot of depending- depending on a God who loves all of His creation to carry you through. But adoption- adoption is purposefully and knowingly walking into that hard. And still depending on that God who loves us to provide the very best for us. 

We were called into this journey called adoption.  It is God's heart to set the lonely in families, to rescue the orphan, to redeem the lost, and restore the broken. We said yes out of compassion and a personal desire- but out of obedience. We will knowingly walk into hard because of the One whom has our back- and our front and our sides. We know that God will provide, supply, lead, and sometimes carry us through the hard. 

So my mind wanders to the what ifs of our adoption. What if on that day in a government office building in China, a different little girl than that one whose picture I carry in my wallet walks in? What if she has physical needs that we are unprepared for? Mental, emotional, social issues we never considered?  What if she is on death's door and will take her final breaths before she takes her first flight?

I remember those orphanages. The ones with sterile walls and chipped paint. The dingy cribs and closed, locked doors, and silence. Always the silence. And I know that we will say yes, this is our daughter no matter what she is. Because God created families- not orphanages. And it would be better to die in the arms of her family in China than to be sent back to the hell of life in an orphanage.

Someone called me brave this weekend. I am not.  I am terrified. But I know who goes before me and because of that reassurance, I will not be shaken when faced with the hard. We can do hard things- I tell my four year old this every day. But the reality is, only with God's help. My heart is broken for another little girl this morning. My heart is broken for my little girl who exists in those sterile, silent walls until we can come to her. Hang on- please.

Resources on disruption, visit No Hands But Ours