Day 16

Day 16. Attach

It’s never been easy, natural, or instinctual. Our attachment was hard -fought and hard work from the get go. Perhaps it was the steady stream of female caregivers in her life that made her distrustful of me. Or maybe the way her good-intentioned nannies pushed her into my arms and snuck out of the room on our first afternoon together-never to be seen again-that made her pinch her eyes shut and begin to wail. For nearly two solid weeks I tried every attachment trick-I offered food, candy, bottles. I brought out toys and technology. I was the ‘fun one’ but to no avail. I tried ‘wearing’ her, pushing the stroller, quietly trying to engage her in play. And my efforts were met with rejection, tears, and even outright scorn. And then one day after we returned home, she leaned back against me and slyly climbed into my lap while I was holding her brother. That night, we were at Home Depot picking out a last minute Christmas tree and she grabbed my hand in her tiny fingers and flashed an impish grin up at me. She took the first step toward trust and slowly a crack began to appear in her walled off heart.

This month marks two years from that day we met in the civil affairs office in China. That scared little girl is confident of her place in our family and declared to me today that she is “strong, stronger and stronger.” And she’s absolutely right. But as that anniversary creeps closer, little uncertainties arise. I say yes, she says no. I ask her to come, she pretends not to hear. These small acts of defiance are the push and pull of the attachment dance that we do, especially when her internal clock begins to chime. She pushes me away and I have a choice-throw up my arms in frustration or get angry and push back-or- draw in close. Only one of those choices brings about the outcome we both truly need and desire. And it’s the harder choice in the moment but ultimately so worth it. Because she’s worth it and that will be my life long goal- to show her that she’s wanted and belongs.

Day 15

Day 15. Waiting

Waiting on my own heart to change. There are probably plenty of posts today on waiting for a referral or waiting for immigration or waiting for another country’s process to move along. I think some of that waiting helped prepare my heart for the wait to come once she was home. And I’m not sure I’m waiting on my heart or waiting on God to change/heal/transform my heart. We got home and sank into turmoil for almost a year. Then things started to look a little brighter and we moved into a dangerous place of hoping. Hope can be healing and hope in the right things is life-giving. But what do you do when you are unsure of the place you set your hope? Where is the line drawn between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst? When does reality finally crash down? I’ve carefully mentally gone through this- examining my expectations of my life, my daughter, of her future. I’ve looked at those expectations and held them up the truth of God’s word. I know in Whom I place my hope and I know the promises that He makes. And I know I can trust those. And yet… I find myself in a place of waiting for my heart to catch up to what I know in my head and for my actions and my outlook to reflect the reality that I’m in. And sadly a lot of that reality is unknown. Will she ever overcome some of this trauma? Will she catch up academically? Will our relationship ever be ‘normal?’ I’m waiting for answers and hoping for outcomes. Praying for healing and working so, so hard for safety and health for everyone in my home. And at the same time, I know that God is in control and that none of this is a surprise to Him. So I wait for my heart to catch up. And in some ways it is caught up. Despite the unease and the unknown of this life, the very thing that makes my head spin and attempt to rationalize away, my heart yearns to bring another one home. Somewhere, this hope is taking root.

“And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.” Philippians 1:6

Day 14

Day 14. My Squad

We are fortunate and very blessed to have had supportive family, friends, and a church body rally around us when we announced our adoption plans. Even with this excellent cheering squad, I knew I needed something more in terms of support. During our wait, I stumbled upon the amazing China adoption community on Facebook. Suddenly I found people who had walked the same path, had insights and knowledge to share, and were eager to answer questions and encourage a newbie. And one way I was encouraged was to find real life community to walk beside me when we brought our daughter home. I had a few close friends who were adoptive mamas but I was looking for an organized group somewhere- anywhere- within driving distance. My search yielded nothing. There were no support groups, mom meet ups, church ministries that I could find. So I started some. I recruited help and started a facebook group for families in our area. We launched a support group at our church which is slowly growing into several groups and a wrap around ministry. And I started organizing moms night outs- anyone, anywhere along the adoption journey was welcome to meet up at a local restaurant or coffee shop to build community. My squad was forming. I now had my virtual community and my real life people and sometimes those two intersected. I discovered adoptive parent retreats- Created for Care, Refresh, and Tapestry are some that come to mind. I try to attend at least one a year now. And this past fall we hosted our own adoptive mom retreat- one night away in the mountains to connect, rest, and build community. We need each other. This life is challenging, isolating, and just plain absurd at times. And it helps to know there are others who understand your successes and failures. My squad is diverse, virtual and real life, church- based and secular, young and old. But we are all knit together by adoption ;)

Day 13

Day 13. Different

I actually laughed out loud at this… And then realized how true it is! Not that being funny is the most important thing, but a good sense of humor certainly can take you a long way. My kids were young when we first adopted. My thoughtful oldest is the kid who self-censor; intense moments in cartoons are deemed ‘too scary’ and he removes himself from them. My youngest was just really young when we brought his sister home. A mama wants to protect her babies. But the reality is that I haven’t been able to ‘protect’ them from some of the hard things Adoption has brought to our home. And ultimately facing these hard things have been good for my babies. The way my kids have experienced life and faced challenges is vastly different than what I would have chosen...but it’s built character and chipped away a little selfishness along the way.

It’s common to hear my kids tell each other to use the ‘magic moustache’ when their brain starts getting out of control. They reference needing fidgets, using weighted blankets, and sniffing and cooling soup to calm their bodies. They have become mindful of themselves and of others around them. And they are empathetic now to those who struggle to self regulate. I never could have pictured this being the result of adopting our daughter. The lingo, the conversations, the tools and the parenting are so, so different than I ever envisioned. Somehow, somewhere along the way we have normalized ‘different’ and we are better for it.

Day 12

12. Facts
-Meet the family behind Christmas Tree Face- Austin, Anna (dad and mom), Corbin, Mila, and Leo. And a faithful but pitiful dog named Nora. And sometimes we post pics of the quail, some of them are named, most are not. 
-Before Austin and I were married, we worked in Romanian orphanages with my parents’ non profit. In fact, we thought we would one day move to Romania and run a camp for abandoned children. God had a different story in mind (at least for now) but that was where the desire to care for marginalized kids was born.
-I, (Anna) always wanted to adopt. I didn't always want to have children biologically. Pregnancy- ew.
-Working with abandoned kids, having a long, strong desire to be adoptive parents, and reading everything on the topic was great preparation but actually parenting a child from a hard place rocked our world. Still rocks it. We do the best we can and fall on our knees a lot- asking for God’s grace in our lives and protection in our children’s lives for the dumb things their parents do at times.
-I’m ready for adoption number 2, 3, or 6… Austin is not there yet. I’m simultaneously annoyed that he isn’t there and filled with relief. Because it’s hard man.
-Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t good.
-And we can do hard things.
-Therefore, I think we are ready for #2 ;)
-We love that the church gets a special call to action to care for marginalized children. We both are very blessed to be in an orphan care ministry at our local church and desire to see it grow and reach many, many families who are waiting to bring their little ones home, struggling with life in the trenches, or who desire to support these families.
-Reflecting on these topics this month has been rather therapeutic for me. I hope that no one takes my ramblings as any sort of rule or best practice- like I said, we try, we fail, we ask for grace and forgiveness and try again. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that adoption reveals our greatest weaknesses and can refine them into our greatest blessings if we allow God to work.

Day 11

Day 11- Siblings

I could write pages on this topic. We basically turned the world upside down for three very young children when we adopted two years ago. Our boys were close knit- only two years apart and each other’s best friend. And we had the audacity to sandwich a sister inbetween them. Here’s the very short story- Bringing a new child home - an instant sibling- is hard. Like I said, the world turned upside down and there were some bad things that happened. We hunkered down in our trench and slowly life began to right itself. Which is to say, we worked really, really hard to meet our kids’ needs, teach life lessons, and help everyone adjust, and by God’s grace we have three pretty spectacular kids who really do love each other. Adoption will affect your kids at home. They will not escape unscarred. But again, my common theme this month, God heals the broken hearted and binds their wounds. Scars fade but they serve as reminders of how He provided healing. My kids are now ages 6-5-4. The 5 and 4 year olds are only 10 months apart and are our ‘twins.’ My oldest recently told me that he’s ready for another sister so he can have a twin too ;) These sibling relationships that have been formed through adoption are one of my greatest joys in this journey.

Day 10

Day 10- Name change

The name we chose for our daughter was our first gift to her. It was the first symbol of being part of our family. Her new name was not a denial of her old name, her life before us, her first family. Those things are real and still exist at least in memories and we will honor those on behalf of our daughter. Her new name represents her place in our family- as an equal to our biological children. It represents her place in our lineage, via adoption- she is linked to all the women in my family with a common middle name. And her name represents our hopes and wishes for her. These are very specific to Mila and the journey God took us on to her. Mila means ‘mercy.’ Here's how I introduced her new name two years ago:

Our love for Mila- despite the physical distance between us- serves of a reminder of our Heavenly Father's deep love for us. Irregardless of what we do or don't do, what we can physically or mentally handle, we are loved because we are His. His mercy extends through the darkness of our lostness, and triumphs. We will forever be grateful for the beautiful picture of God's great mercy to us that our daughter has illuminated in our journey to her. Mila means mercy in Romanian- a language that will always hold a special place in our hearts for the precious faces that led us to say yes to adoption.

Still true today.