Friday, March 3, 2017

Things you should know - 14 months home

-We have more good days than bad.

-I don't get as many headaches because I am not constantly clenching my jaw for hours on end.

-I love adoption even more than when we first started.  Its complicated and messy and not for everyone but its absolutely beautiful.

-I don't love my kids all the same.  Its completely different.  But I do love them.  All of them.  

-I ask for help more.  And I still feel guilty about not being able to 'do it all' but I am also reconciling that God made us for community to help one another.

-Trauma is still a very big presence in our house.  We see it every day.  

-Some days trauma looks like filling a backpack with all the toys and refusing to share.  But also refusing to play with any of the hoarded toys.

-Some days trauma looks like going bat-poop crazy when she gets hurt.  And instead of being comforted, she fights for her life against whoever is trying to help.

-And sometimes trauma visits us at night- in fitful rest and inconsolable sobs in her sleep that no amount of rocking or back patting can wish away.

-I still marvel at how far she has come.  When she eats a whole meal and asks for seconds.  When she  initiates play with her brothers or friends.  When she skips off to school with her classmates.  When she uses words- a complete sentence!- to ask for something.  

-I can now look back a few months ago and see the way God was taking me apart.  The pain of that is still sharp but it is no longer confusing.  I see why I was broken.  And why the cracks were allowed to show- and not be repaired exactly as I once was.

-Certain memories from those past months still cause a -brief- physical reaction of terror from me.  We were not ok and it left its mark.

-But scars are important.  Mila constantly shows me past scars- small scratches and bumps from normal childhood play- and declares them 'bad owie.' And though I acknowledge them and still kiss her 'bad owies,' I also know that they no longer pain her.  Her owies do not hurt anymore but they take time to fade.  And fading scars can serve as a reminder of how far we've come together.  

-I live with the conflict of desperately wanting to see Mila become 'typical' and fiercely defending, protecting, and celebrating her uniqueness.  

-I would do it all over again in heart beat.  And I pray that we will someday soon.

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