Day 16

Day 16. Attach

It’s never been easy, natural, or instinctual. Our attachment was hard -fought and hard work from the get go. Perhaps it was the steady stream of female caregivers in her life that made her distrustful of me. Or maybe the way her good-intentioned nannies pushed her into my arms and snuck out of the room on our first afternoon together-never to be seen again-that made her pinch her eyes shut and begin to wail. For nearly two solid weeks I tried every attachment trick-I offered food, candy, bottles. I brought out toys and technology. I was the ‘fun one’ but to no avail. I tried ‘wearing’ her, pushing the stroller, quietly trying to engage her in play. And my efforts were met with rejection, tears, and even outright scorn. And then one day after we returned home, she leaned back against me and slyly climbed into my lap while I was holding her brother. That night, we were at Home Depot picking out a last minute Christmas tree and she grabbed my hand in her tiny fingers and flashed an impish grin up at me. She took the first step toward trust and slowly a crack began to appear in her walled off heart.

This month marks two years from that day we met in the civil affairs office in China. That scared little girl is confident of her place in our family and declared to me today that she is “strong, stronger and stronger.” And she’s absolutely right. But as that anniversary creeps closer, little uncertainties arise. I say yes, she says no. I ask her to come, she pretends not to hear. These small acts of defiance are the push and pull of the attachment dance that we do, especially when her internal clock begins to chime. She pushes me away and I have a choice-throw up my arms in frustration or get angry and push back-or- draw in close. Only one of those choices brings about the outcome we both truly need and desire. And it’s the harder choice in the moment but ultimately so worth it. Because she’s worth it and that will be my life long goal- to show her that she’s wanted and belongs.