Day 8

Day 8. Birthfamily

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Mila’s birth family. This is a pretty weird phenomenon for people we will likely never meet nor know anything about. Chinese special needs adoptions have zero birth history, no names of biological relatives, no medical histories, nothing, Some days it's blatant- I'm filling out forms at a doctor’s office and have to cross through pages of unanswered questions. “No known birth history.” Or days like Mother's Day when I am reflecting on my own title of ‘Mom’- it's really hard to not think of a missing mom that is represented by one of my children. Other days, I have passing thoughts of Mila’s birth family. She might do something quirky that makes me wonder if somewhere deep inside of her body, a gene sequence from her biological family is making itself known. Or as I struggle to pull her hair straight back but because of the odd shape of her head I end up with a lumpy ponytail… and I wonder if her mom or dad had similar problems. And some days I don't think very kindly of her birth family if I'm being honest. There has been nothing to indicate that Mila’s struggles stem from anything other than trauma and neglect. They might, but as of yet there are no definitive diagnosis or indicators. Which means in one version of this universe (if I were to go all Marvel comics on you), if her birth family had kept her, Mila wouldn't HAVE any of the challenges she deals with. She wouldn't have been abandoned. She wouldn't have spent formative years in an institution, receiving just enough care to survive but certainly not enough nurture to naturally form healthy attachments and develop the neuropathways to self regulate and ‘deal’ with life. She would have her native culture and country and wouldn't have faced the trauma that adoption brought to her. She wouldn't have me and I wouldn't have her. And the anger towards her birthfamily gets suddenly very complex and very real and sometimes theological if I'm in the right mood. I don't know the circumstances surrounding my daughter’s abandonment. I have never faced a scenario where leaving my child- and walking away forever- was a viable option. My anger is ultimately directed not at an unknown individual but at the unknown situation that brought about such a dire circumstance, and ultimately at the ‘fallenness’ that exists on earth. Here's what I know. Mila’s biological parents could have chosen to terminate the pregnancy. They could have chosen infanticide. Both of these are sadly common in rural China. Instead she was left somewhere safe, where it was guaranteed she would be found. I can choose gratitude for them for these reasons. My feelings towards her birth parents are mine- they are not hers. As of this moment, Mila has not brought up her first family or truly demonstrated an understanding of their existence even. But if and when she does,I am thankful to have had this time to process my own feelings so that I can walk with her through her own complex thoughts. I want her to know that she has always been wanted. And that we are forever grateful that she is in our family. We can't know the who and the how and the why of Mila’s beginnings but we can recognize that life is not often very neat and tidy. There are hard choices and bad choices and a whole lot of brokenness and ashes. But we follow a God who is in the business of making beauty from ashes.